My computer catches fire, and Facebook is trying to kill me.

This question/answer was obviously a joke, but just for laughs, I responded anyway.

Click "read more" to see the whole thing.

Question:

Dearest Timmeh:

Every time I start my computer it catches fire. Then silver haired monkeys jump out and travel back in time and try to abort my great-grandfather while my great-grandmother is making coon skin hats for my uncles.

"Application failed to initialize properly" (0xc0000005 & 0xc0000022)

 Problem:

Hey Tim!
[...]Here's my issue: I am using Windows XP. SP2, and I keep getting this error message that application failed to initialize properly (0xc0000022). lots of programs on my computer are failing to open! i cant open my antivirus either to check if its a virus but i dont think ive downloaded anything recently...
[...]the problem happens with lots of different programs including "uistub.exe" when i try to open my ****** antivirus, ccapp.exe, oscheck.exe, pifsvc.exe, etc etc etc. [...] what do i do!?!?

-Anonymous

Solution: 

Hello Anon; Thank you for providing the 0x***... error code!
There are two common reasons for the manifestation of this problem. One is a particular issue with a Microsoft patch that occurs only in XP SP2 (which leads me to believe that this is likely your issue since you have XP SP2) - and the other is a particular virus. Luckily, I think I have a solution for both.

Click "Read more" for the solution!